Do you remember what you were like when you were 18? Do you remember how you viewed the world, your dreams, your ambitions, and love? How about when you were 25? Yeah, me neither. It seems so long ago but all I know is that I was a completely different woman at each of those ages, and I’m completely different now.
By the time I got into my early thirties I realized that the methods I was using to attract “love” (if you can call flirting a method) at 18 and 25 were seriously not serving me well at the age of 32. The old attraction paradigm that I was ingrained with in high school, from watching movies and television, and by pouring over teen magazines with my girlfriends only got me into relationships that, well, might suit an 18 or 25 year old just fine but wasn’t what I wanted anymore. When I finally admitted to myself and to a select few close people that I wanted to get married and start a family, I knew that it was time to show that old attraction paradigm the door and bring in something new.
Here are three commonly believed attraction methods that I learned from the hard way in my twenties, and three new ways of deliberately attracting a soul mate that I implemented in my thirties – to my success:
Out: Being the cool girl by being okay with the relationship whatever and wherever that is.
First of all, for anyone that actually knows me…the words cool and Dina are a complete oxymoron. That’s a clue that I really wasn’t being my self by suppressing my truth, needs and desires. It’s shocking to me that this is still advised for women.
In: Decide exactly where you want a relationship to go before even going on the first date.
Before dating I got crystal clear on what I wanted in a relationship at the present time, which was a committed boyfriend/girlfriend situation leading to marriage and starting a family. Very simple. Know what you want clearly so you can attract a partner that wants the same thing as you.
Out: Trying to appeal to as many prospects as possible by being very general about who you are and what you want.
Similar to being cool, it’s easy to get response from more people this way but most of them won’t be a good fit in the long run because he or she never gets to see who you are in the beginning. As time goes on and both of your preferences are revealed you might find out that you’re not a good match, resulting in heartbreak.
In: Be very specific, in a positive way because you’re wonderful, about who you are.
Whether it’s a religion, a political view, personal value, or dietary choice, it’s best to be clear on these things in the beginning. When I set up my last online profile (which led me to my soul mate in 7 weeks) I said things I never said before upfront – that I’m very spiritual but not religious and that I’m vegan. If a guy couldn’t live with either of those things then we would not be a good fit and I didn’t want to start dating him in the first place. Yes, there were less men interested in me but my soul mate saw my profile and was like, “Heck yeah!” (Actually he found me with the search term “spirituality.”) Be honest about your values and who you are.
Out: Deciding to go out with someone based on “chemistry.”
Oh boy, this is a big one. It’s what love in epic movies and songs and literature is founded on. We take it in high school and there’s a dating site named after it, shouldn’t there be chemistry before deciding to go out with someone? In my opinion, not really. There may be exceptions but usually it ends up not being what we think. When we feel chemistry very often it’s based on our baggage, limiting beliefs and unconscious junk, like the good girl who loves the bad boy. Chemistry clouds the rational mind – where the excuses justifying a relationship come in – and it doesn’t usually last.
In: Deciding to go out with someone based on values, behavior towards you and others, and his or her actions.
This is deliberate attraction. You decide what you want in advance, got clear on who you are and your values so when you meet him or her you are actually attracted because he or she is the type of partner you most desire. And you know what else is fun about that? The attraction and chemistry grows over time as you build your life together based on mutual respect. Similar values, behavior and actions are extremely attractive.
In short, 1) knowing what you want, 2) being clear on who you are, 3) choosing a date based on values, behaviors and actions.
I hope you find these three attraction paradigm shifts inspiring and helpful in your search for soul mate love. What is no longer serving you in your search for love? If you care to share, as always I’d love read your comments.
Lots of joy and happiness to you on your journey!